Mercy Unending

As I sat on the park bench in small Czech town on the other side of the country, I was an unknown, nameless person ~ a stranger to all passing by as hot tears streamed down my face. I was unable to hold the intense emotions in any longer and my heart was crying out to be heard, to be understood. The thought of my father being sick and facing death was weighing heavily upon me.

It was a glorious fall day in the park and the golden afternoon sunlight was filtering through the leaves all yellow and burnt orange ~ radiant in their final stages of life ~ facing death with full surrender and beauty. That was what I was trying to do ~ face the reality of death and the possibility of loosing the sacred in my life with full surrender and beauty.

My shoulders were heaving and my lungs gasping for air as the tears continued to steadily flow. I was pouring out the contents of my aching heart to my merciful and loving Father and storming His throne on my knees with the penetrating cry of my heart. Please spare my father's life ~ I am not ready to loose him.

The Holy Spirit's peace enveloped me, embraced me as warm afternoon sunshine fell on my shoulders and face, casting shadows through the trees standing brave and tall. My heart quieted and flooded with peace that was not of this world. In the stillness of tears falling on clasped hands Your tender words of instruction fell midst the tear drops ~ clear, perfect, sound. You brought the words of James 5 to mind, the very passage I had been studying just the week before, but Your Spirit brought it with fresh wind and force.

"Is there any of you in trouble? He should pray. Is anyone happy? Let him sing songs of praise. Is any one of you sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven. Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective."   James 5:13-16

I did just as I was instructed ~ I prayed in full confident faith to the only One able to completely heal. You so gently and tenderly reminded me that You are able to heal but that sometimes You choose not to, but that being a God full of mercy You have created a way for us to be fully healed ~ to experience eternity. This is the greater healing, the greater miracle ~ You make us sinless and righteous. You have made a way for me to live with my dad forever and not have to face good-bye. You reassured me that if You ripped the sacred from my life, You would replace it with nothing less than Yourself. You showed me that the entire process had to do with fruit and that in all the times in the past that my parents had faced difficulty and pain it always bore fruit. This season was also about fruit and how we postured ourselves in this moment. Trust was vital and Your loving hands were waiting ~ steady, sure, and strong ~ but most impressively, willing and open.

With the wooden slats of the bench pressing hard against my back, I straightened my bent shoulders and wiped my face that was wet with pleading ~ I opened the clasped hands to fully receive You in the moment. I believed that I could trust You, I believed that You are good and that You truly know what is best for Your children. You loved me and You had heard. This unknown stranger of a girl, sitting on a park bench bathed in golden cascading sunlight, could have access to the throne room of God at any moment ~ not just the throne room, but the very ear and heart of God. I opened my pursed lips to let praises fly, soar to the One who had heard me. With a shaky weak voice, but sure of heart, I sang the words to "Bless the Lord oh my soul: Ten Thousand  Reasons". There are Ten Thousand reasons for my soul to find to praise my Father, for He is able. The words rang out piercing the cold fall air, spilling out of a heart of gratitude and trust and they became a declaration in the Heavens of how God had revealed Himself to the broken. You are immovable, yet bend low to the trembling hearts of those crying out for Your hand of mercy ~ oh so full of mercy ~ mercy unending ~ that You would make Yourself known.

Damned United

I would like to apologize to everyone for the year of silence. Although 2010 was a great year for me, it was also a bit of a dark season of the soul. I had to begin to face some ugly things about myself and about the reality of being a sojourner here on this earth and it just wasn't very blog worthy. Please understand, God has been using this time of silence in my life to shape me and form me in ways that I am not yet quite certain I know how to put into words. In this past year I have had to face some unpleasant realities about myself. I have had to begin to understand the depth of my sin and how much it has truly cost my Savior. His light has been searching the depths of my heart and revealing to me things that do not bring Him glory. In this dark season I have wrestled with believing the truth, sought forgiveness for my wrongs while extending forgiveness to those who have wounded me, and surrendered my rebel heart to the only One who can make it whole. It has not been an easy journey and I am in no way close to the end of it, but I can say with absolute certainty that God has used these revelations to develop in me a heart that hungers after Him and that is broken in true repentance.

In this past year Christ has become so precious to me because the reality of my life is not hidden from Him. He sees the depths of my heart with perfect clarity but in His abundant grace, He chooses to love me. In the past I have really struggled with asking Christ for forgiveness. For me it was a shameful thing to have to own up to the things I was not proud of and disappoint the One I love so much. I preferred to leave my sin in the darkness of the shadows, where I felt it shamed me the least and caused Jesus less pain. In His kindness God has been teaching me that His heart longs for nothing more than for me to understand the reality of my sin and in turn understand the depth of my need of Him. By asking Christ for forgiveness I am honoring the death that He died for that very sin and in essence am exercising my faith in the power of His blood to cleanse me from that sin. Jesus already knows that my heart is ugly because He already fully paid the price for my sin. I am slowly beginning to understand the intimate beauty of coming before Him in true brokenness and asking Him to cover me. It not only opens the doors for me to be back in right relationship with Him, but it also brings Christ glory for the selfless sacrifice that He made on my behalf.

As I have faced the reality of my sin I have really spent a lot of time thinking about the human condition in general and that the truth is, sin is a reality of our lives. I am not in this boat alone. As I have spent the past two years adjusting to living in another culture, there are many things people all around this fascinating and diverse globe do differently. However, there is one thing that unites us all, now matter how different we may appear, and that is we are all participants in sin. Sin has separated us from our God that loves us and has divided us against one another. One thing we have in common is that we are all deserving of God's wrath, and we deserve to be damned. We truly are the damned united! But oh how beautiful when we come with hearts united longing to be renewed by His perfect grace. When we allow love and forgiveness to transform our hearts we are able to live freely with God and man. God no longer sees us as damned but He actually views us as redeemed and His heart takes great delight in His precious children that seek Him. I have been reading a small but powerfully convicting book called The Calvary Road and in it Roy Hession states: "Sin is almost the only thing we have in common with everyone else, and so at the feet of Jesus where sin is cleansed is the only place where we can be one. Real oneness conjures up for us the picture of two or more sinners together at Calvary."

So it is my prayer dear friends that we will not take our sin lightly and that we will be united by far more than our sinfulness. May we meet one another at the foot of the cross. May we find peace and healing in being forgiven and may we begin to understand the pleasure and delight that we bring to our Father. May we come together rejoicing over the new life that has been so graciously given to us and may our hearts fervently seek after the One who has given all, that we may know true freedom and live lives that reflect Him and bring Him glory.

The Mercy of Dependance

To a small child the reassurance of their mother's touch calms the deepest of fears within. A tender kiss on the cheek or a warm embrace as the child empties themselves of all their tears, assures them that they are not alone and that they are deeply loved beyond measure. As I sit here and reflect back upon our first year in the Czech Republic my mind and my heart are flooded with tender moments of God drawing near as the comforting mother. He has been so faithful to embrace, sustain, and reassure us as we have walked, stumbled, and crawled along the path that He has set before us.

It has been a year of extremes from saying good-byes to dear family and friends to beginning relationships with new friends and ministry partners. It has been full of many lessons of the heart, the taste of victory and defeat, the joy of ackompishment, and the dispare of discouragement. Along the way we have been learning to humbly grow where you are planted. A Professor from Multnomah Seminary who is a dear friend of ours, encouraged and warned us early on in our journey, trust and obedience was what God was desiring to forge in our hearts. How familiar and precious these two words have become as God has gently taken ahold of my hand and invited me to respond in obedience with a heart full of trust to what lies ahead. Again and again this year God has brought me to places where I had to decide if I would depend upon Him and obey or if I would willfully continue on my own to struggle through it. My heart has come to understand that obedience, though it may seem costly and may not be easy, is God's tender merciful way of allowing His children to depend on Him.

We have so much to be thankful for here and God has been so gracious to keep guiding, tenderly shaping, and providing for us! We really feel blessed to be able to be learning the lessons that we are and to be able to depend upon Him in such a personal way during this past year. He has not necessarily made the difficult things easier but has shown Himself to be much greater than the situation and completely sufficient for our every need. He enters into our circumstances and He gives of Himself when we need it the most. We do not have what it takes to be able to survive the battle that is raging around us, but God does, and in this my heart finds hope and I rejoice that He is willing to offer Himself. All that to say, I am growing so much in so many ways. Some days are good and others I am ashamed of but through it all I am learning step by step... obedience is what matters. .... and I am just a girl who is in process who finds delight in depending upon her Heavenly Father.

Truth That Won't Let Go

I just completed my very first English camp here in the Czech Republic!! My husband Daniel has done many over the years but this was my very first one. We are exhausted and weary but know that we are tired because we have given ourselves fully to loving those who participated in this camp with us and have spiritually fought a battle beyond our comprehension. My mind and body ache from exhaustion but my heart burns with the hope of people placing their faith in Christ for the very first time. This year the evening sessions were focusing on the "Story of God" and sharing a summary of several different stories from the Bible that show the redemptive character of God and His love relationship with man through out the Bible. We had a few students at this camp that had never heard anything about God so everything they were hearing was all new to them and their enthusiasm and joy was contagious!! It is so outside of the cultural box here to believe that God is actually real, that for them to consider that God is real and that He personally and deeply loves them is a Huge step!

Camp was a crazy experience because there was definitely a lot of intense spiritual opposition to the Gospel but God is the pursuer of hearts and He is faithful to never allow His purposes to be thwarted. His Word truly is living and active and it calls our hearts to respond. The truth is something that cannot be ignored or pushed off to the side to be dealt with another day - it demands a response. The students at our camp were truly faced with the reality of who Jesus is... not just in theory, but who is He to them personally. Several chose to not believe and to walk away but a few students just could not walk away. They were captivated by this truth that would not let go. They still have many questions and are trying to process all that they heard, but a new joy and hope has been born in their hearts and they now have a new community of friends that desire to see them believe. Please pray with us that the truth would not return void and that the seeds that have been placed in their hearts would be given time to mature and grow.

Please pray for us as we begin our second camp. May our hearts fully invest once more and may we give ourselves fully to the cause of Christ! May God's spirit and love be alive in us as we interact with students and leaders and may we have bold faith in the midst of the intense opposition to His truth.

Refinement and Revelation

Spring has arrived and with the beautiful, warm sunshine has come a new excitement about life and a restored sense of purpose in our hearts of why we are here and what we feel God is asking of us. During the winter months we were busy getting settled into life here in Orlova, learning the language and trying to figure out where we fit in the church that we are working with. It truly was a time of refinement for our hearts and of definition for our ministry. As so often is the case, God had different plans for us than we had realized and as we stepped forward into this new adventure it became abundantly clear that what we had thought we had come to accomplish was not exactly what God had planned. As our circumstances continued to unfold and everything around seemed so uncertain, dark, and out of control we came to a place that we felt very defeated and discouraged. We were not sure what God was trying to do and we so badly desired to follow His leading but were unsure of what He was asking of us.

Through the help of some of our dear missionary friends and a very committed Multnomah Seminary professor, God began to make it clear that this season of confusion, frustration, and doubt were meant to stir some things in our hearts and to purify us as His servants. There were many areas that we needed to hand over to Him with full confidence and allow His love to flow through us and His grace to perfectly cover us. At the end of all of our struggling and wrestling to discover His will, God desired for us to simply come to Him and what He desired from us was full obedience. So often we try to make God's will so complicated but He simply was asking us to trust and obey, cliché sounding I know, but beautiful when it is truly lived out.

Don't get me wrong, obedience is no small task. Obedience is costly, demanding, and all consuming, but it is a natural outpouring of a love relationship with our God. When we love Him and respond in obedience, our obedience not only draws us closer to His heart but it allows others around us to encounter God in fresh, relevant, and practical ways. They are invited to surrender their lives in obedience, not out of guilt, shame, or expectation but out of love...love is the only setting that allows trust and obedience to not only become a natural response but to also bear fruit.

We are still in midst of uncertain circumstances. The area of the world that we are serving in is still very dark and often times lacks optimism and hope, but our hearts are not the same as we move through this process. Our God has been faithful, gentle, and kind as He has seen us as worthy of redemption and has not given up on these hearts that must be purified by His Holy fire. We still have many lessons to learn on how to fully trust, love, and obey but for now we are moving forward one day at time and humbly bringing the pieces before God and asking that He teach us how to respond. With the new Spring has come hope that God has not forgotten us. In His graciousness He so lovingly brings us back to Himself and allows us to see that He is the giver of new life, He is the reason for deep and never ending hope, and He is the source of love that transforms lives.

The Tenderness of Belonging

Praise the Lord, we have a home!!
The very first week that we were here in Orlova, Daniel and I were looking for places to live and posted on one of the bulletin boards was a picture of a little apartment that as very charming and I just know in my heart that was where we were to live and so I said to Daniel, "That is home". Well, it wasn't as simple as all of that because, Daniel and I, not being citizens of the Czech Republic, are not allowed to own property here, so it was not going be possible for us to own this sweet little place. We talked with the owners and discussed the possibility of us renting it from them, but it was not going to work out financially for them, so the door seemed to be closed and God did not seem to opening up any other options. We found another place and liked it but financially it was a bit risky for us and so we felt uneasy about it. I was beginning to feel the first wave of culture shock and really felt that I did not belong anywhere in this town. I felt very alone and isolated and was discouraged because finding a home was becoming more and more difficult. I sat down to read my Bible and spend some quiet time with God and all of these emotions welled up inside of me and began to pour out of my heart. I sat and cried and explained to the Lord how heavy my heart was, how lonely I felt, and how deeply I longed for a place to belong. I felt like a little girl crying over something so silly, something so trivial. I really didn't have it all that bad, I had a roof over my head, food to eat, and a warm bed to sleep in. I felt so ungrateful for the good things that I had and yet I could not stop my emotions from spilling out but in the vulnerability of that fragile moment, God chose to reveal Himself to me in the most personal of ways. He tenderly reminded me how deeply He loved me and that my emotions, feelings, and desires matter to Him. He reaffirmed that He knew and understood my needs before I even knew of them and that His ways our perfect, without fault or defect in any way. He had a plan and I just needed to trust in Him completely.

A few days following my tender moment with the Lord, Daniel had a conversation with the lady that owned the apartment that I liked so much and it had just been sold that day, but the people buying it wanted to rent it out and she wanted to know if we were interested! :) Praise the Lord, Yes we were interested and this home came directly from His hand! The owner commented later, "what a coincidence that I happened to talk to you that day". We believe it to be so much more than a coincidence, that it was God's plan unfolding! :)
Well, after several months of many conversations and many details needing to be worked out, this little place is indeed our home, directly from the hand of God! :)

This week has been a very eventful week for us here in Orlova because we were finally able to move into our new little apartment!! It is difficult to put into words how it feels to be so far away from home and unable to really have a place that you belong. The feelings of displacement and disorientation had been weighing heavily upon us these last several months and so it was with great rejoicing and celebration that we moved our belongings into our sweet little apartment! Our hearts our full as we remember the tender and personal ways that our God chooses to reveal Himself to us. We are undeserving of the blessings that flow from His good and faithful hand and may I faithfully learn to trust that hand wherever it may lead me.

Reflections on our Summer

The highlight of our summer was celebrating my parent's 40th anniversary. We were able to go on a trip to the beautiful state of Alaska and spend a week exploring, hiking, and enjoying some of God's most amazing creation. We also enjoyed some pretty incredible food while we were on this trip. It seemed like every time we turned around we were eating. It truly was a blessing to be able to have this time with my mom and dad before heading over seas. We made some wonderful memories that will definitely be treasured for years to come. if you ever get the chance to visit the frozen North, I would highly recommend it!